Transcription
Okay, so I know we've said it a lot, and we're saying it in groups, too, but to keep stressing, this is quite an art in terms of balance -- balance and response. At times, the loving-kindness encounters our own suffering or the suffering in the world, and it turns into compassion. It has the flavour, the colour, the character of compassion to it. It's a certain flavour. And that's fine. And we're going to talk about the difficult person, and sometimes that can be challenging. And of course, that's fine and important and necessary.
But within all that, in a short retreat, also, as I keep saying, really wanting to almost encourage prioritizing a sense of buoyancy and brightness, if it feels possible, without forcing anything. So very much in the realm of still responding to what the ocean is giving, but encouraging that. The reason for that, as I keep saying, is the more I have that, the easier everything else is (I've said this in many different ways) -- the easier compassion is. So I actually need to feel buoyant. Chris is going to talk about this a lot tonight. I need to feel buoyant and happy to have compassion. If I sink when I meet the suffering in the world, and I sink with that suffering, I'm actually of no use. That is not compassion. If I don't have the strength, the buoyancy inside to meet the difficult person, there's a problem again. So a lot of this is really almost like first steps. As much as possible, encouraging that well-being when it feels appropriate, and at other times, it's moving into that other box of meeting more the difficult. I'll say that again at some point.
We have these categories, as I said, and remember that campfire analogy. We're going to do the difficult, but not necessarily today or tomorrow spending too long with the difficult, thinking, "Oh, here's my chance to heal this old wound with, you know, Uncle Mortimer, evil Uncle Mortimer," or whatever it is. [laughter] Yes, in the context of our life and everything, that's really actually important. But I feel often it rests better once the buoyancy and happiness is a bit there, well-being is a bit there. None of this is a rule. So just see what feels appropriate.
We have these categories, and as I say, we're just moving -- easy, slowly to difficult, to more and more boundlessness. And they're flexible, the categories. Not only is our movement among categories flexible, but the categories themselves are just flexible, in the sense that someone could be the easiest person one day or the friend, and you know, then they say something a little ... [laughter] Or just in the wrong tone of voice, and ... [laughter] Down to Division 4 or the Isthmian League or whatever it's called. [laughter] And you know, hopefully time goes by, and they can make due amends and be back in favour. So it's all very flexible, and we're just going easy to difficult, easy, gradually, gradually to more difficult. That's all. We're just moving into this boundlessness. So don't get too fixed about this. When we say "the difficult person," it's not actually that this person is difficult. Then you say, "No, no. You haven't met this person!" [laughter] "They really are!" It's that we are having, we are experiencing some difficulty in our relationship. [laughs] Okay, so don't -- not to solidify things too much with all this.
Okay, but this category of the difficult person is where we really start -- you know, the neutral person is a big stretch, six billion people plus animals, etc. This also is a kind of stretch for the heart. It's really a stretch. And we're really interested in our life as practitioners in making that stretch, you know. It's depleting and inhibiting and unhappiness-making for us to walk around with feelings of difficulty in our relationship. Life being what it is, and humans being what it is, that's actually normal. So people are in and out of this all the time, and it's fine. But to be really interested in not letting it crust too much and in healing it. And seeing it -- seeing the practice of directing kindness towards the person with whom we are experiencing difficult relationships -- as a kindness to our self. That's really important, to get that perspective too.
[5:39] So again, oftentimes people hear about this, and they think, "All right, this is my chance." Maybe there's someone, and you know, oftentimes we feel, maybe there's someone that you do feel greatly wounded by or abused by or something like that. And of course, that's often the case. And there's a great sense of hurt and anger and wounding. And again, in our life of practice, we really want to build up the buoyancy and the strength and the brightness of the mettā, that it feels like, as it edges out, it can encompass that, and it can handle that, and it can actually transform that relationship. You know, this is a short retreat where -- what is this, the third day or something? It's actually early days. So you might have been doing mettā a long time. You might feel completely up for it, tackling that most difficult person. It might be much more wise to think about, well, maybe just someone who, I don't know, you just find a little bit irritable because of something or other. So something much more handleable at first. Again, there are no rules. But it's certainly not necessary to plunge straight into the relationship where you feel the most hurt and the most wounding.
And like always, some reflection can be really helpful. Just dropping in the reflection, either at the start or as you're doing it, using a bit of the verbal and the cognitive thinking or the visuals and just dropping in some reflections. So certainly what I said this morning, the commonality -- no matter who this is, they share with us mortality and vulnerability of different kinds. They also want happiness. It may be for this person -- and you have to see -- it may be that the person you've chosen, the way they are seeking happiness in life is completely on the wrong track. And you may see that. I actually see that they want happiness and well-being and peace, but they're going about it in completely the wrong way. And this is, in Dharma language, what we call ignorance. It's misunderstanding. It's part of the delusion that we have as human beings. We actually don't understand where happiness comes from. And a person -- someone can have completely the wrong understanding of that, and carves a destructive path, imagining it will bring my happiness, and obviously it won't. So having almost some space for realizing what's at the root of why this person has been like this or was like that.
Sometimes, as human beings, we hurt each other. And we do. And it's also good to admit, I have hurt people. And some of it may be unintentional. Some of it may be I've hurt people, and I didn't even know that I've hurt people. So this person, who I may feel wounded by, may also fall into that category: just not knowing the harm they're causing. Can also be, and I remember a long mettā retreat I did, mettā and compassion retreat, and choosing -- this was a while ago -- two very prominent politicians at the time. And of course, I didn't know them. But it could be that you see, or the perception is you see people hurting others in their choices, etc. But again, it's coming out of not knowing, not understanding that it's causing hurt. Or if we're honest, human beings know, and they're deliberating trying to hurt others. And sometimes, we may have even seen that in ourselves, of course. But there, it's the not understanding this fundamental law: that if I hurt others, I'm actually hurting myself. Sometimes that is not obvious to a person; sometimes it's not obvious from the outside. But it's a truth. I cannot hurt others without hurting myself at some very deep level. It's actually impossible.
I'll say this now, and then I'll repeat it as we're meditating together. If you are choosing someone who there is some sense of you feel wounded by, in the past or ... It can be very skilful -- it may be that as you're doing the mettā towards them, some feelings of hurt come up for you, for yourself, or feelings of anger at them. Then it can be really skilful to give them some mettā, and then actually, aware of your own feelings, come back to give yourself some for a few minutes, and then out again to them, and back. And this sort of going back and forth, and kind of seeing the totality there. Sometimes it's even possible to do both together, and sort of, in one go, we, the humanity, as human beings, we get into complex relationships, and we have got into this thing together. And somehow seeing the humanity of that, seeing it's just part of what it is to be human. And as long as there have been humans, human beings have been getting into difficult things together. So seeing that more as a we and as a totality can be really, really helpful too. Seeing it as human takes a bit of the personal out of it and a bit of the blame out of it.
I think that's all I want to say for now, actually. So maybe let's sit together a bit.
[11:48, guided meditation begins]
Okay, so the period after lunch is often a sleepy period, a dull period, so really setting the uprightness of the posture as you start. And feeling the energy in the body, the life force in the body, expressing itself through the uprightness of the posture. And letting the awareness be open, open to the whole field of vibration of the bodily energy, the whole space there. Open and upright.
And the experience of the body, the being right now -- held. Held in gentle care, in softness, in allowing, in connection. So there is openness, uprightness, buoyancy, but softening and connecting presence. And staying lightly anchored, lightly connected, delicately, with that field of bodily energy, bodily presence. Beginning, when you feel ready, to direct the mettā, to wish well wherever it feels easiest right now. To whomever it feels easiest right now.
So feeling free to move among the categories, but staying where it's relatively easy for right now. Easy person, friend, self, maybe neutral even. Just for right now, getting the fire going, just as much as possible. And just leaning in to where it's easy, relatively easy. Patiently and without pressure, offering, over and over, the intentions of kindness, the embodiments of tenderness, of care, of well-wishing. Just over and over, finding ways to connect, to feel the body involved as much as possible. And yet also just having faith in the seeds, and the planting of the seeds.
[25:18] When you feel ready, bringing to mind, bringing into the space of awareness the image or the sense of someone with whom there feels some difficulty right now. And just in the space, in the stillness, first just simply noticing the heart's response. Just noticing and allowing. Seeing what's there, what comes up. Beginning to gently reflect and acknowledge that this person, just like me, just like us, wishes for happiness, wishes for well-being, for peace, for ease. Experiences vulnerability physically, emotionally, mentally even. And vulnerability in life.
Beginning to allow the mettā to extend towards this person, to wrap around them, to hold them also. Perhaps in their confusion, caught in their momentum of habit. Just planting the seeds one by one, again and again.
It may be that you find you have to be a lot more light and more spacious with the effort. As I said, you can't push this too hard. Actually being more spacious, more gentle is helpful, maybe. Being very patient with yourself and patient with the mind, patient with the heart. Spacious.
[34:54] If this is a person with whom there is a history of love and connection -- in other words, at some time, perhaps in the past, there was actually some care flowing there and some kindness -- it can be helpful to just remember that, and remember the energy of that, and tune into that level. Sometimes when there is difficulty and anger even, we lock into a certain perception and forget a bigger picture. So if that is the case, that can be very helpful. If not, if I don't know this person, I haven't had really a history with them, can also just imagine them receiving love from their loved ones, perhaps their spouse or family, or some people love them. They receive love and happiness. See them happy.
So you may be aware of a certain narrative, a certain story that binds yourself and this person. And just to see, is it possible to discern: is the narrative, the story that I have, is it helpful right now? We can get locked into a narrative that's actually unhelpful. Or am I finding a way to retell the same story in a way that's helpful? And if I can't, it might be that I want to drop, so to speak, deeper than the narrative level. Just letting go of the story, the self-definition in this moment of defining myself, of defining the other. Just their body, their being. Dropping the definitions.
When you feel ready, allowing the sense, the image of this person to go, to fade, and returning to offering the loving-kindness to yourself, to this body, this being, here and now in the room. And holding the body and the being in that softness, that care, that light. Gentle, bright healing.
[45:10, guided meditation ends]
Okay. So I hope, and I'm sure it is the case, you're really getting a sense how rich this practice is. And that it's something for life. So we have four or five days here, and we're beginning something, and how you could actually just take this practice and run with it. And it's a practice that can stay with you for the rest of your life, and that unfolds to such depth, and in so many potentially ... not different directions, but a range, a breadth to it. That's huge. I think that's probably clear to people by now. And again, on this retreat, we're a little bit inclining in a certain direction, so not to overdo it. Although it may feel exactly right to really go for it with the difficult person, etc. But to get that balance, like I was talking about before.
One more little thing just occurred to me in terms of the continuity that we've been talking about. So we're going to be moving into walking, and around the house in the day. It can be really helpful to slow down a bit, or even quite a bit. In other words, it's certainly possible to be exuding great mettā and do 100 metres in less than 10 seconds. But it's more difficult. So if you slow down, it will feel easier. It will somehow feel easier to get the kind of sense of pervading the whole day and the whole space with that. So as we move around the house, let it be slow, let it be gentle, let it reflect that. And that gives more of an opportunity to sort of plug into the mettā, tap into the mettā as we move around.
